Screaming and Kicking: Understanding Big Emotions in Little Kids

Every parent has lived through it: the all-out meltdown at the grocery store, the bedtime tears that feel endless, the wild swing from giggling to screaming. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed—or like you’re doing something wrong. But the truth is, these moments aren’t signs of failure. They’re signs of growth.

Between the ages of 1 and 7, our kids are doing the hard work of learning how to be human. They’re developing emotional awareness, regulation, empathy, and problem-solving—all while navigating a world that often feels big and confusing. And as parents, our job isn’t to stop the big feelings. It’s to guide our kids through them.

What Triggers a Tantrum (and Why It’s Normal)

Tantrums are not a reflection of your parenting. They are, first and foremost, a developmental milestone. Much like learning to walk or talk, learning to handle feelings takes time—and plenty of practice.

Tantrums happen because:

• Children are still learning emotional regulation. The ability to manage strong feelings comes from the prefrontal cortex, a part of the brain that doesn’t fully mature until early adulthood.

• They lack the language skills to express needs or emotions. Saying “I’m frustrated because I wanted to play longer” is far beyond what most toddlers can manage.

• They feel powerless. Children often don’t have control over their schedules, meals, or social situations. That loss of control can lead to explosive behavior.

• They’re overwhelmed by sensory input. Loud environments, bright lights, new experiences—these things may not bother adults, but they can trigger meltdowns in kids.

Many parents dealing with parenthood challenges, especially those new to parenting or taking their first parenting course, ask: “Am I doing something wrong?” The answer is often no. Tantrums are part of the process. What matters most is how you support your child through them.

The Role of Emotional Development

Understanding your child’s emotional development gives you a clearer picture of what’s going on during a meltdown—and what they need from you.

From birth to age five, children go through rapid emotional changes. In this period, they're learning:

• How to identify and label their feelings.

• How to express those feelings appropriately.

• How to respond to other people’s emotions.

• How to soothe themselves when upset.

Each child develops at their own pace, but there are general milestones. For instance, by age two, most children can identify simple emotions like “happy” or “mad.” By age three, they might begin to show empathy. Around age four or five, they can start to understand cause and effect—like realizing that hitting someone makes them cry.

The Science Behind Big Feelings

The human brain develops from the bottom up. First, the survival center (brainstem), then the emotional center (limbic system), and finally the logic center (prefrontal cortex). The prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for impulse control and reasoning—won’t fully mature until their mid-twenties. That means your toddler or preschooler literally can’t regulate themselves yet. They need your help to co-regulate: to borrow your calm when they’ve lost theirs.

This is where positive parenting strategies like modeling and gentle structure come in. For instance, instead of jumping into discipline, try starting with connection:

• "You’re really upset right now. I’m here."

• "It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit. Let’s figure out a better way."

Recognizing Triggers and Patterns

Understanding what sets off your child’s meltdowns is half the battle. Tantrums may seem random, but they’re often triggered by predictable factors. Identifying these daily triggers can help you prevent emotional outbursts before they happen.

Here are the most common tantrum triggers:

• Hunger or Thirst: Kids who are “hangry” (hungry + angry) will often lash out emotionally.

• Fatigue: A tired child is a ticking time bomb of emotions.

• Overstimulation: Loud noises, crowds, flashing screens—all of it can overwhelm a child.

• Unmet Expectations: If your child expected to get a toy, a treat, or more playtime and didn’t—get ready for the fallout.

• Transitions: Switching from one activity to another, especially something fun to something boring (like bath time), can be hard for little ones.

• Seeking Connection: Sometimes tantrums are your child’s way of saying, “I need you.” Acting out gets your attention, even if it's negative.

Recognizing these moments gives you a chance to intervene early. For example, offering a snack before heading to the store or giving a five-minute warning before leaving the park can help your child feel more in control.

These proactive parenting methods aren’t about perfection—they’re about connection. When you meet your child’s emotional needs before they boil over, you’re reinforcing emotional safety. That’s the foundation of raising emotionally resilient children.

Identifying Patterns in Behavior

Patterns are powerful. If your child tends to melt down every evening around the same time, there's a good chance they’re dealing with a predictable need—maybe they’re overstimulated, hungry, or just done with the day.

Keeping a simple behavior log for a week can help you notice things like:

• Time of day tantrums occur

• What happened right before the meltdown

• How the child responded to different calming strategies

Once you spot a pattern, you can address the cause instead of constantly reacting to the behavior. For example, if you notice that your child throws tantrums every time you leave for work, they may be struggling with separation anxiety. Creating a goodbye ritual—like a special handshake or a note in their backpack—can provide comfort and predictability.

Parents also ask: “How do I handle a child who lies or manipulates during tantrums?” If your child is older and showing signs of dishonesty or manipulation, it's often rooted in fear, shame, or unmet needs.

Creating a Safe and Supportive Environment

Let’s be real—tantrums are going to happen. But the environment you create can either intensify those moments or soften them.

Here’s what a safe emotional space looks like:

• Predictable routines that reduce anxiety about what’s coming next

• Consistent limits that help kids feel secure and know what’s expected

• Calm-down areas with soft pillows, stuffed animals, fidget toys, and emotion charts

• Physical affection—yes, even when they’re kicking! A safe touch can calm the nervous system

One of the most overlooked aspects of handling tantrums is your own regulation. When you're calm, your child feels that. When you're stressed, they absorb it like a sponge. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present.

Teaching Emotional Literacy

If you want to help your child manage emotions, start by helping them understand what emotions are.

Emotional literacy is the ability to identify and label your feelings. It’s one of the most powerful tools you can give your child.

Here’s how to build it at home:

• Name emotions out loud as they happen. (“You look frustrated that your block tower fell.”)

• Use books and stories to explore feelings. Look for characters who feel sad, angry, or scared, and ask your child what they might be feeling.

• Play games like “Feelings Charades” where you act out different emotions and guess them.

• Use a feelings chart on the fridge to help your child point to what they feel.

Children who learn emotional literacy early are more likely to have strong social skills, better friendships, and fewer behavior problems in school. Teachers and counselors often highlight emotional vocabulary as a key predictor of success in the classroom and beyond.

Modeling Healthy Coping Mechanisms

The most important tool in your emotional toolbox is you. Your child learns how to respond to emotions by watching you. If you yell when you're angry, they will too.nIf you breathe, pause, and explain your feelings—they’ll learn to do the same. Here are simple ways to model coping:

• Say, “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.”

• Use a calming object—like a stress ball or a walk—to show how you manage stress.

• Own your mistakes. “I shouldn’t have shouted. I was angry, and I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”

This approach doesn’t just teach coping skills—it strengthens your bond. And that’s what emotional safety is all about.

Some families have a history of emotional suppression or even trauma. If you grew up in a home where feelings were ignored or punished, breaking that cycle takes courage.

When to Seek Professional Support

While meltdowns and tantrums are a normal part of child development, sometimes behavior may point to something deeper. As a parent, trusting your gut is important. If you’ve tried the strategies and still feel stuck—or if something just doesn’t feel right—it might be time to seek help.

Here are red flags that signal the need for professional support:

• Tantrums are extreme in length or aggression (lasting over 30 minutes frequently).

• Self-harm or harm to others during emotional outbursts.

• Regression in skills—like toilet training, speech, or sleeping through the night.

• Withdrawal or silence rather than explosions—some children shut down instead of acting out.

• Frequent nightmares, anxiety, or sadness that interferes with daily life.

• Ongoing tension or conflict in the family that’s impacting your child emotionally.

If your child’s behavior disrupts family life or social interactions consistently, getting a professional opinion is not just okay—it’s wise. Support doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with your child. It simply means they need extra tools—and you do, too.

There’s no shame in asking for help. In fact, it’s one of the most proactive parenting decisions you can make. Whether it's personalized parenting coaching, help from an online family therapist, or mental health resources for families, support is available.

Exploring Counseling Options

Once you decide to seek support, the next question is often: Where do I start? Let’s walk through a few options.

1. Parent Coaching

This is a great entry point for parents looking for one-on-one guidance without clinical therapy. Coaches can help with:

• Behavioral strategies

• Emotional regulation tools

• Bedtime and mealtime routines

• Communication and discipline

Personalized parenting coaching services are especially useful for new moms navigating parenthood challenges for the first time.

2. Family Counseling for Parents

If your child’s behavior is impacting your marriage or family dynamics, family counseling helps you all get on the same page. This is often a great choice for:

• Blended families

• Parents with different discipline styles

• Couples dealing with frequent issues couples have due to parenting stress

Embracing the Journey of Parenthood

Raising young children with intense emotions is challenging, but it doesn’t require perfection—just presence. Each tantrum or meltdown is a valuable opportunity to connect with your child and teach them how to understand and manage their feelings. Rather than trying to stop the outbursts right away, your role is to help your child feel safe with their emotions and guide them toward healthy ways of coping. These moments, though difficult, are key to building emotional awareness and empathy.

So, next time your child melts down over the wrong color cup or the missing toy, remember: you’re not failing. You’re growing. Together.

And if you're struggling? You’re not alone. Check out our parenting guidance or explore a parenting course at our website Nurturing The Nest.

FAQs

1. How can I help my child express their emotions in a healthier way?

Start by helping them name what they feel. Use books, emotion charts, and daily conversations to talk about emotions. Then teach simple coping skills like taking deep breaths, hugging a pillow, or going to a calm-down space.

2. What are signs that my child’s emotional outbursts may be something more serious?

Red flags include constant aggression, self-harm, withdrawal, loss of previously gained skills, or tantrums that last for extended periods and happen multiple times a day. Consult a pediatrician or child psychologist for guidance.

3. What kind of parenting support is available for new or young families?

There are many resources: online parenting courses, free parenting resources, parenting support for young families, personalized parenting coaching, and even faith-based parenting support. Start with one that fits your style and budget.

4. Can couples counseling really help with parenting stress?

Yes! Parenting affects marriage, and marriage affects parenting. Marriage counseling for new parents or faith-based marriage counseling helps you both reconnect and align your parenting strategies.

5. Where can I learn more about emotional development in children?

Check out books, online parenting education programs, or schedule a session with a parent coach. We also recommend reaching out to mental health professionals who specialize in child behavior and emotional regulation.